SUNSETTER, MOONRISER: The Tragic & Explosive Death of Dean Rainard, Instalment V

Instalment 5: Death from Hyper-Multisternutation

The medical term for Dean Rainard’s death is Hyper-multisternutation. Hyper-multisternutation is real, and is the cause of three deaths a year in America on average. Not many people know what HMS is, and many of the people that do know what it is don’t think it really exists. But it does, look it up. One of the leading researchers in the causes in HMS, the Ukrainian Dr. Bohslav-Boris Krevo, published a journal on HMS in 1997 where he stated, “In our research, we have concluded that there is no relative correlation between HMS and SHC [Spontaneous Human Combustion]. Though many people still believe that they are related, they in fact have no apparent relativity. […] We have hardly any clue to why HMS occurs, or how to protect oneself from it, although it should be noted that the very few people who share the tragic fate of becoming victims of HMS, also share the tendency to be fabulous multi-taskers.”
Something everyone should know about the type of craziness that Dean Rainard was a victim of: it is somewhat governed by Newton’s third law. Newton’s third law particularly pertains to the physical world, but the physical world works much like the mental world. Newton’s third law can be summed up in to one sentence, “To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.” So, when Newton’s third law is applied to the case of Dean Rainard’s craziness, anyone can see that with the clearest thoughts of clarity that came to his head, the most insane thoughts of insanity came as well.
While Dean Rainard was in the shower his clearest thoughts of clarity weaned, and his thoughts of insanity returned. He was being attacked by the thoughts more than he ever was in his entire life. He was still weeping, and was remembering everything about his life that made him go crazy: Graham Stokes, his nickname, how he was a terrible teacher, how he left the love of his life in cowardice, how he was nothing like Dr. Winslow Stephens. He remembered how he used to take care of these thoughts, by multi-tasking. Dean Rainard then went into a fit of multi-tasking that killed him. He peed, sneezed, farted, burped, puked, coughed, defecated, yawned, and cried, all while saying quietly, “Oh my.” And let’s not forget that he had laundry in the washer as well.
Officials found Dean Rainard fourteen hours later. There was a missing account put on file for him since he wasn’t at school the next day and the police sent a squad car to his place on Holiday Road to see if he was there. The police officer that found Dean Rainard was Conrad Vincent. Conrad Vincent had only been on the Olympia Police Force for three weeks. When Conrad Vincent found Dean Rainard in the shower, most of Dean’s body had already gone down the drain. Vincent didn’t know just what he had witnessed. There was blood, and guts and faecal matter covering the walls of the small bathroom. Vincent immediately vomited and called for backup. It was concluded after investigation that Rainard had been a victim of HMS and consequently exploded. The remains of his body that didn’t go down the drain were scraped off of the walls and ceiling and floor and cremated just as Dean Rainard would have wanted.
Dean’s painting entitled ‘I WAS WRONG’ caught the eye of Dr. Winslow Stephens, who had since retried and become a renowned art collector and critic. Stephens bought the painting from the Olympia government for next to nothing. This was all in 2003. Since then, the painting's value has sky rocketed up to fifteen million dollars and is now on display in the Guggenheim Museum, in Manhattan. There has been much literature written about theories of what Dean Rainard could have been so wrong about. Maybe it was leaving his first and only love, Denise Wright. Maybe it was his view that the only art with value is art that has sociological aspects to it. Maybe it was the fact that he was nothing like Dr. Winslow Stephens. Or maybe, just maybe, it was because he was made wrong.